Final Four - "Better" Fast Food

My first Final Four featured food that is near and dear to my heart.  What I mean by that is that the food is literally near my heart because it's so bad for you that it sticks to my insides and will ultimately cause me to die of a heart attack at an early age....

Now that I've set the morbid tone for this post, let's dive right into the Final Four of "Better" Fast Food, which is also near and dear to my heart.  And when I say better, I'm essentially saying that the food costs a bit more and the employees that operate these fine establishments are just slightly more pleasant to deal with than the traditional fast food places of Mickey D's, BK, and so on.  And instead of making you read to see the "teams" that made it out of the Elite 8 and into the Final Four, I'll just tell you up front that the contenders are Five Guys, Chipotle, Checkers, and Fatburger.  Not gonna lie, this bracket might be tougher than the first one!

Five Guys is easily the most expensive contender in the Final Four.  For someone like me it is near impossible to go to a Five Guys and not spend between $10-$15.  That's not a ton of money to spend on a meal, but you'd expect to pay that at a chain restaurant and not a fast food place.  Going with that, I'm never fully satisfied when I leave because I'm not full.  I'll go up to the counter, order my bacon cheeseburger with a bunch of stuff on it (love the fact that their cheeseburger is actually a double cheeseburger and a Jr. cheeseburger is a single), get a medium order of Cajun fries, and then stand for 5-10 minutes and wait to get my grease stained bag.  Then I'll sit down and go beast mode on it because the food there is legit incredible and I'll be done eating in half the time it took me to stand in line, order my food, and sit down with it.  That's not the bad part.  The bad part is that after I demolish the burger and fries I always feel like I just got there.  No knowledge of what just happened, no feeling like I just ate, no sense of being full.  I mean, it's not like I go there and pretend to eat, but I literally never feel full after eating Five Guys. 

Sounds like a lot of negatives, but their burgers are some of the best burgers I've ever eaten.  There are other rare "better" fast food places like Shake Shack and Smashburger that can hang with Five Guys, but not everyone who reads this blog will know those places so Five Guys can stand alone.  One other nugget of information is that when you go to a Five Guys, you should never order anything larger than a small or medium fry.  If you do, no offense, but you're a moron.  No matter what, you're going to get the equivalent of a large fry or greater.  The fact that they fill your fry cup up then add an extra shovel full of fries to the top of your bag brings tears to my eyes.  Also, I do not care for the peanuts they have... just thought I should mention it.

Chipotle brings a little spice to this bracket similar to what Taco Bell did for the last one.  In a battle of burgers, this Cinderella has the potential to make it all the way.  The big reason why I like Chipotle is simple.  I order exactly what I want when I want it and it's made fresh right in front of me.  There's no need to worry about mystery meat or rat burgers or any of that crap here.  Let me warm up a nice flour tortilla, throw some chicken AND steak (some decisions in life are too tough), vegetables (if you're into that kind of thing), some rice, beans, and guacamole, and essentially have a burrito that can be mistaken for a tiny infant baby.  The downside here is that's all I get.  No sides, no desserts, nothing special outside of a pretty hefty burrito.  It's definitely filling, especially when you load it up like I do, but there's nothing flashy here.  Chipotle is a grind it out, defensive minded team made up of role players that just goes out there, gets the job done, and goes home.

If you haven't eaten at Checkers then I seriously don't want to be your friend.  You might laugh at what I just said, but I mean it.  I'll actually be nice and give you two options.  #1- never speak to me again.  #2- text, call, email, face-time, smoke signal, send a carrier pigeon, page me, write a letter, or whatever you can think of to get in touch with me and we can go to Checkers together and thus I won't hate you anymore.

There are so many things that I love about Checkers, but to sum it up in one word, Checkers has options.  You know what you're going to get when you go to Five Guys or Chipotle, but Checkers is a fantasy land where the options soar as high as your meat and cheese filled dreams.  They have the top Player of the Year candidate in a little somethin somethin they call the Bacon Roadhouse.  Google an image of that IMMEDIATELY because it's a double bacon cheeseburger on I believe toasted sourdough bread with BBQ sauce on the bottom, onion straws on top, with some sort of ranch based sauce on the ceiling.  If that doesn't wet your whistle you could also go with the proven veteran of the team in the Baconzilla.

Beyond burgers, Checkers has a variety of chicken and fish inspired sandwiches that I don't really pay attention to, but they also have WINGS.  You might be skeptical, but they make their wings with Frank's Hot Sauce.  No idea why every place on Earth that serves food doesn't offer Frank's, but Checkers does.  They bring the fire with their wings, but they also have bacon/cheese/ranch fries (a better trio than LeBron, Wade, Bosh or any other combo of 3), potato skins, 4 different flavored shakes, and apple pies.  What kills me about Checkers is that there isn't one close by.  I know they're mostly down south, but move up north!  Bristol did get one so I'm thrilled about that, but Enfield, CT was rumored to get one a year ago and we got nothin!  If the food isn't accessible then how can it be the champion?

Fatburger is such a great name for a fast food place.  Again, when most people think of fast food they think of a burger, most likely a Big Mac or something from McDonalds.  Fatburger makes it very easy to decipher what they're good at.  They take an ordinary burger and make it fat.  How fat?  Well let's just say you order by the size of the burger you want similar to how you would order a new shirt.  You're more than welcomed to order a small, medium, or large, but if you want to hang with the big boys you bypass those baby options and order the XXL or the XXXL (pretty sure the XL doesn't exist).  We're talking 16 and 24 ounces of meat respectively.  100% pure lean beef which will run you about 2000 calories if you're into counting those things.  Fatburger also has shakes, chicken options, and hot dogs, but who would go to a place named Fatburger and not get a burger?  Terrorists, that's who.  But anyways, the XXXL burger is where it's at and I haven't had one since I was last in NJ or Vegas, but they are unreal.

A side note here is that Fatburger also has a salad on their menu.  I'm not opposed to eating a salad.  In fact, I love salads like a nice buffalo chicken one, but if I'm going to a fast food place a salad is the farthest thing from mind.  But props to Fatburger because their "Fat Salad" actually has bacon and cheese on it.  Still too much green for a place like this.

What a tournament this would be.  I think this would be a nice summer project to actually eat at all of the places in my brackets over the summer to really see who is the best of the best and deserves to be crowned champion.  If that's the case then I might need to expand and bring the Elite 8 teams back in just so I have an excuse to eat more of this unhealthy yet insanely delicious food.  Speaking of the Elite 8, those on the outside looking in were The Counter (there's one in West Hartford that's really good, but I'm not sure if there are more locations), Ted's (featured on Man v. Food for their steamed cheeseburgers which I was not really impressed with), Johnny Rockets, and Moe's.

Finding a champion is a lot tougher than people might think.  Going into this I thought I had a clear cut winner in Five Guys, but after digging deep in my memory banks, looking at the menus, and reflecting on every detail of my past experiences with these places, the decision got a lot tougher.  I can tell you that Chipotle had a lot of work to do in order to make it to the top.  In the fast food world, burritos have a tough battle, but it held its own.  At the same time it also ranks #4 on the list because a burrito can't compete with a juicy, cheesy, bacon cheeseburger.

Fatburger was next to go mainly due to the lack of locations in the area.  I feel like I've become pen-pals with Fatburger because it's been so long since I've had one.  And I know I said that Checkers doesn't have a lot of locations in the area, but Bristol really isn't that far away and the closest Fatburger is in NJ.

That leaves us with a championship match up between Five Guys and Checkers.  One of the best, most consistently delicious burgers in the game coupled with bangin Cajun fries and bonus fries takes on a challenger who is well versed in multiple areas, not just the burger business.  If Five Guys' burger beats a burger at Checkers than the fries at Checkers beat the fries at Five Guys.  I feel like you can switch that statement around and it can be true too because that Bacon Roadhouse burger is no joke.  But if that's the case then the choice is clear.  Checkers cuts down the nets and is the Champion due in large part to its bench players aka wings, shakes, and so on.  Depth is key in my world because I might go to a fast food place for a burger, but when I get to the register my brain turns off and I end up ordering 5-10 things.  Checkers would provide me with a well balanced meal and it would cost significantly less there than at Five Guys.

Yes I do need to eat Checkers... yes I do.  And if I come to you I know I'll be full afterwards unlike Five Guys.

Final Four - Fast Food

It's that time of the year!  March Madness has taken a field of 64 (technically 68) teams and after a series of intense, nail biting games, we are now left with the Final Four of Michigan, Syracuse, Louisville, and Wichita State.  Did I see this coming?  Absolutely not.  Did you?  No way.  If you claim you did then you're a liar because no one I know could of accurately predicted this Final Four.  But the Final Four gave me an idea for a few posts because someone recently asked me what my favorite restaurant was and I had to stop and really put some thought into it.  So for my sanity and for your reading pleasure, I will bring to you a series of posts that deciphers what my Final Four is for a particular topic and who my ultimate champion of champions is!  Obviously with the title of this post you know that Fast Food is up first!

Up first is the consensus #1 of the tournament in McDonalds.  When someone thinks of fast food they usually think of McDonalds first and then the competitors follow.  It's almost like the term fast food is synonymous with McDonalds.  "Do you wanna grab some McDonalds?" <---- that to me means "Do you wanna grab some fast food?"  I have no factual information to backup what I'm about to say, but McDonalds was the first fast food chain to revolutionize the game when it debuted the Dollar Menu.  This bracket would be over before it started if other chains didn't pickup on this trend because I used to buy 7 double cheeseburgers freshman year of college and beast them all with the help of their Chicken Select Buffalo Sauce.  BUT, and this is a HUGE BUT, they have since removed the double cheeseburger and now have the McDouble on the Dollar Menu.  Not a big deal, right?  WRONG.  That extra piece of cheese is critical to my burger enjoying experience and now I have to pay an extra $0.20 for it?  COME ON NOW!  That might sound cheap, but it's not.  What's cheap is charging an extra $0.20 for a slice of cheese!  But at the end of the day, McDonalds has withstood the test of time and has been a constant powerhouse in the fast food industry.

Next up is the BK Lounge!  Something that hits me right out of the gate with BK is the fact that I was crowned a king countless times as a kid growing up.  The fact that they literally have crowns for kids (and technically adults because I have been crowned within the past year) is awesome.  But beyond that, Burger King might have the best bacon in the game.  Now I know there are a lot of haters out there that will immediately say the word BACONATOR to me, but P the B's (pump the brakes) for a second.  Have you had a QUAD STACKER?  They don't even but that on the menu anymore!  Burger King legit removed the Quad Stack from the menu because it was too much awesomeness for one human being to handle.  So, naturally I ask if they still have the Quad Stack every time I go in to a BK and they say that they still serve it, but they just don't advertise it.  Talk about a solid pound or more of meaty cheesy bacon goodness.  I'm drooling just thinking about it.  And I can't talk about BK without showing some love for the Rodeo Burger and the DUTCH APPLE PIE.  A cheeseburger with onion rings and BBQ sauce already on it?  YUPP.  Oh, you want dessert?  How about a DAP?!  Warm apple pie in your face!  And this apple pie murders the one at Mickey D's and if you say otherwise then you're just an ignorant fool.  Also, best french fries in the bracket, but I'd have to say that my bill is always the highest when I go here in comparison to the rest.

If I had a dollar for every time I went to Wendy's in high school I most likely could retire.  Wish I was joking, but roughly 75% of the money I made while working during school went to buying Wendy's.  I'd say 3 times a week my friends and I would venture to Thomaston Ave in Waterbury, CT so we could go inside and hang out while eating an unnecessary amount of food.  My standard order would be 2 Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers, 3 5-Piece Nuggets, a Medium Fry, and a Frosty (chocolate, none of this vanilla frosty nonsense).  Add a couple sides of BBQ and Honey Mustard sauce and I was good to go.  The beauty of Wendy's was the creativity that my friends and I brought.  One could never unwrap a Jr. Bacon and eat it.  You would first unwrap it, remove the bottom bun so you can strategically place 3-4 chicken nuggets, add sauce, put the burger with cheese and bacon back on, add a layer of fries, more sauce, and then close it back up and enjoy.  That made the meal so much more enjoyable, which is why I'll always have fond memories of Wendy's.  Oh, and as I alluded to earlier, they have a BACONATOR which is pretty boss.  But what's the deal with those salads?  Who goes to a fast food establishment with the intention to order salads?  Did the government force them to expand their healthy selections to try and offset how horrifically bad the Baconator is?  Tisk Tisk Wendy.  Fight the power next time!

Last, but certainly not least, is none other than the deliciousness that is Taco Bell.  This is going to shock some people, but for the longest time I was afraid of Taco Bell.  Never wanted it, never needed it.  It always looked like awful food to me because of how the meat was just scooped out of a tub.  Then I went to college and experienced it for the first time and it was love at second sight.  No idea what I was afraid of because Taco Bell to me is the exact same thing as any other fast food place where I can get meat and cheese, but just in a different format.  Instead of a bun I order a hard or soft shell.  Instead of BBQ or Honey Mustard I get Hot Sauce.  At first I was concerned about all the "vegetables" that come on these tacos, but that quickly changed when I realized you don't even notice them when you bite into one.  I also love the fact that they have a Grande Meal.  If 1 or 2 tacos isn't filling for you, why not get 10 (I think it's 12 now)?  Unfortunately there are two big drawbacks here.  The first thing would be a lack of dessert.  Cinnamon Twists?  Really?  That's what you're bringing to the table?  And the second would be the fountain drink selection.  What is up with that fruit punch?  I think it's Sierra Mist Fruit Punch or some crap like that.  If you're gonna offer fruit punch you offer HAWAIIAN PUNCH.  If not that then I can settle for Hi-C Flashin Fruit Punch, but the point remains that they dropped the ball big time here.

No matter what, these Final Four posts will be a toss up.  It might depend on the mood I'm in when writing these, it might depend on my most recent experience with each contender, but no matter what there is no "right" answer because they're all champions for making it this far.  At this time I'd like to give a round of applause for the honorable mentions that lost in the Elite 8 which were: Arby's Popeyes, Chick-fil-A, and KFC.  They put up good fights, but couldn't make it to the big dance.  I also want to make a distinction here because the above fast food chains are in a separate category than the likes of Five Guys, In and Out Burger, and so on.

Without further ado, the first CHAMPION of my Final Four is none other than Burger King!  This might come as a shock, but it's true!  Taco Bell finished 4th mainly because of what happens within 5 minutes of eating it (although they made a strong push with those new Dorito shells) and McDonald's, regardless of its history as a powerhouse in the fast food game, fell short because I'm still pissed that they removed the double cheeseburger from the Dollar Menu!  Those Fish McBite commercial are money though.

The championship was one for the record books and it was a good first one to have.  BK hits hard with a Quad Stacker, but Wendy's comes right back with the Baconator.  The edge goes to Wendy's with the nuggets, but BK has the fries.  I feel like I would take a Frosty over a DAP 9 times out of 10, but that's too close to call.  It really came down to the go-to cheap option here.  Jr. Bacon versus a Rodeo Burger.  BBQ sauce already comes on the burger with ONION RINGS where as a Jr. Bacon is just an infant version of a legit bacon cheeseburger.  Couple that with the fact that I can wear a crown while eating and BK is appropriately crowned the National Champion of Fast Food.

I also think the Burger King would demolish Wendy if they ever fought.  Not a fair fight and I'm also a tad afraid of the King so congrats BK!